Honesty.

9 Aug

I so want to come on here and report good news!  I am an optimistic person!

But this…this has broken me.  Already in a flare, already vegan, now off all but one med (that last one will take weeks).

Depression is in full force.  I have not cried this much in years.  I cry easily and often.  I am so sad.  And not one of those put on your big girl panties and deal with it kinds of sad, either.  But the kind where you just want to go away.  Besides crying all night last night, I cried IN MY DREAMS and then awoke with tears that fell until after lunch.  I had a few breaks in there, of course.

I am gonna be REALLY honest here.  This is not a place to sugar coat anything.  I have been depressed before to the point of it being very scary.  I was convinced that everyone around me would be better off if I was gone.  I just wanted to somehow be swallowed by the ground and let everyone go on without me.  And not a passing feeling that we can all get when we are down.  But I was REALLY convinced my family would be better if I were gone.  These are ugly, scary thoughts.

Here is what has pushed me over the edge……  Eating vegan is not enough for this protocol. I am allowed: zero oil, zero salt, zero sugar, zero alcohol, zero guten, and of course zero animal products, including dairy and eggs. Ever.

And the biggest kicker is that my weight seems to be the main focus.  I am supposed to lose at least 20 lbs.  Ideal would be to lose 29.  I have fought so hard over this past year to “get over” my weight.  To focus on being healthy and eating nourishing foods.  And NOT on the scale.  And here I am back at the place of weighing.

I am hardly getting out of bed.  I am working out hard when I do get out of bed or I am cooking.  I am actively trying to eat the right foods.  And I am depressed.  And I would love for an evening to sit and have a glass of wine with Lucky or enjoy some dark chocolate once in a while.

We have some decisions to make as far as meds go.  Do I wait out this rebounding period where depression gets worse before it gets better?  And have the chance of being med free??  Or do I stop the madness now and start taking my Lexapro again?

When everything is stripped away.  And I am alone with myself.  And I have no comfort from food and an identity that has changed.  Where is my hope?  Where is my joy?  Where is my strength?  It is in Christ alone.  I feel utterly broken today.  Hopeless that I can do this.  But I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me.  He is real and he is here and I am desperate for him.  He will give us wisdom.  Always has, always will.  Today I am so grateful of this reminder and being in this place.  I start home school in 2 weeks!  We need to get me together!! My kids need me.  Lucky needs me.  My friends need me.  I write that not because I am arrogant.  But as a reminder that I AM needed and wanted.  My laying on the couch for a year and being “that sick person” has taught me that my friends don’t want meals and food (though they never complained!), they want my friendship.  I WON’T slip back there.

This is the air the breathe……

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