Archive | August, 2011

Still…and a medicine returns.

27 Aug

Fever, body aches, complete fatigue.

And this is Saturday. Fever started on Tuesday.

Today, I started back on Lexapro (antidepressant). I was finding myself getting too mad at the kids too quickly.  I was overreacting to everything.  I was crying ALL.  THE.  TIME.  I am not in a place to be off of that and I was wanting to inflict pain upon myself (like I needed punishment or something.  can’t explain it if you have never felt it. just think I am weird and be ok with it).  So there.  I said it.  I am on my little pill that helps me have enough seratonin in my brain.

My family is at the movies without me. It is super sad to sit out of life, but it is the right choice to choose the thing that will give me the most recovery time.

I never said this would be a pretty journey to follow me on!  Tune out if you would rather something more cheerful :).  But I press on because I want to see this work!  I want to prove that I don’t have to live on all of those miserable drugs that increase my risk of cancer by 400%.

I am ready for some light to peak through!

Fever.

25 Aug

A few days ago, I was super exhausted and achy.  I was asked if I was sore b/c of the way I was walking.  I should have known right then.  My eyes had been burning on the inside for a few hours.  When I finally got home, I took my temp and there it was.  A symptom I thought I had left in the dust a year ago when I started on the meds.

And it is back.  Even as I write, my body aches and my eyes burn.  I just feel feverish.  I had a few hours without fever yesterday, but other than that, I feel like I have a mild case of the flu.

This is what originally got me searching for what was wrong years ago.

I am so discouraged.  I can’t take anything for relief.  And I just don’t know what to do.  I am NOT surprised.  Stress always makes all autoimmune diseases worse.  The last few weeks have been really, really hard getting the kids curriculum and plans organized while reorganizing my office (thanks, Denise!) and doing all of my other “jobs” as a wife, mom, exercise instructor, and full time chef for myself!

So there is my update.  I press on toward health with fresh fruits and veggies.  And I pray that this leads to a solution. And I sleep and try to drag myself out of bed every once in a while.

If you are reading this and are also pressing on, let me know.  It is always good to hear when someone else is walking a similar path!

The weight is over.

21 Aug

Outta here!  No more!  Never again!

Over the past few weeks, I have measured my progress daily.  I write down everything I eat, as well as my weight, my symptoms, supplements, etc…  Most people can probably accomplish this and thrive.  But not me.  I have a REAL problem with my scale.

I think about it when I wake up and weigh right away.  I weigh a little later before getting in the shower.  I weigh after exercising.  I weigh before going to bed.  Repeat daily.  Excessively.

My measure of success has become what the scale says.

NO MORE!

From here on out, I will keep eating vigilantly.  I will consume no animal products, gluten, corn, oils, or extra salt. I will continue to fall in love with veggies and new ways to prepare them.  I will keep trying combos of foods that go well together and include all sorts of colors and textures.  I will focus on healing my body.  If I lose weight, great.  My pants will let me know.  Same with gaining.  If that happens or I stay right where I am, I will rethink this whole thing and try a new strategy.  I SHOULD lose weight based on my diet.  But I am not going to be able to measure that with a number.

I realized it was unhealthy when I went to eat some fresh mango for a snack but stopped myself b/c my weight was up a pound from the day before.  NOT because I wasn’t really hungry and didn’t need it.  No.  I was hungry!  Simply because of that dang scale.  I would honestly tell everyone my weight right here and now.  It is not something I hide or am ashamed of.  It is what it is.  I am not competitive with others.  I don’t care what you weigh!  But I am intrinsically motivated to a fault.  I push myself beyond where I should and mentally punish myself when I don’t live up.

NO MORE. I am eating plant based, vegan, nutritarian…whatever you want to call it…because I want my body to heal from this disease and I want to reverse damage that has been done.  And I want to be ALL here for my husband and children.  They deserve it!

Thankful.

16 Aug

I am thankful for food, glorious food! Just the way God gave it to us to enjoy.

My family.  Luck, the kids, my parents, and Michelle, Justin, and Gabi.  They not only help take care of me and the kiddos, but they put up with eating with me.  Can you IMAGINE having me as part of your dinner plans? I know, I REALLY throw a wrench in things.

Friends.  You all know the amazing things you do.  You think for me.  You cook for me.  You encourage me.  You pray.  You send me recipes. You make me laugh…and I do love to laugh!

Perspective.  Not just on hunger, but on this awesome journey.  I would not trade Lupus for anything in the world.  Truly.  This journey has been bumpy (Again, this isn’t cancer).  It has just stunk.  I hate being in bed so much and feeling like crap so much.  BUT what I have learned from it is priceless.  My worth is not in what I do for people.  Or how good my kids are.  Or how toned my body is.

I hope you get to go on your own journey.  Whatever our pain and frustrations are….they make us more dependent on our Maker.  They make us long for life after earth.  I am SO glad this is MY life.  🙂

Hunger.

16 Aug

While speaking to a friend recently about what I am (not) eating, she gave me an incredible perspective.

Every time I feel hunger or am sad about not being able to eat something, pray for the hungry people in the world.  Do I REALLY have reason to be sad?  Nope.  I sure don’t.  But I can pray for them and focus on what I can do to make a difference for in their lives.

Thanks, Xochitl.  Perspective is perfect.

Mixed bag.

16 Aug

If you ask me how I feel, it will REALLY depend on the moment.  I am having moments of feeling almost normal. They are few and far between, but they are there.  And that gives me hope.

Today, I am totally wiped out.  Have felt feverish all afternoon and am having return of some symptoms.  Still eating everything I am being told to (except dang watercress b/c I can’t find it!!!).  I am absolutely adjusting to life with less salt.  And oil. And no wine or even *gasp* chocolate!!!!

I am actually quite surprised about the oil.  I always figured I needed those calories as a vegan. WRONG.  And I am finding I quite like vegetables just as they are.  Steamed veggies.  Something I gave up years ago to the much better tasting roasted veggies! Whodah thunk?

I have been living this life for 6 weeks (the no oil or salt for just one).  It is doable.  Now, lets just see these symptoms start to go away.  This is a long, slow process.  I lost a few lbs that have somehow come back. I am really hoping it is just water weight that will slip back off.  It is virtually impossible to eat like this and gain weight.  Or at least it BETTER be!!!!

Thanks for taking this journey with me! (and Dana…thanks for the amazing vegan meal tonight!  And Gretchen…what would I do without you and your food?)

The light is peaking through :)

11 Aug

The ugly depression is lifting!  Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.  It is no coincidence, friends!

I have followed the diet to the best of my ability.  I am surviving and enjoying the foods I eat.  I am DEFINITELY still adjusting to life without salt!!!  I used fresh tomatoes and garlic and onions and basil and made a marinara that is great!!  If it only had a little salt!  Oh well, my taste buds are already starting to adjust!

A typical day of eating:

Breakfast: Kale (lots), frozen fruit, milled flax, almond milk, splash of pom, ice and cinnamon shake.  I also use the juicer a lot and have this to sip on sometimes or I use it in my shake in place of the pom.

Lunch: Salad with kale and romaine, dressed with salsa or something without oils and sugars, topped with veggies.  Bowl of soup that I made that is all vegetables and nothing more.  Except a little water.  No oil or salt.  Fruit, always.

Snack: 1/4 mango OR 8 grape tomatoes in hummus.

Dinner: Last night I made “tacos” with romaine acting as the tortilla.  I put unsalted black beans in it, a  bunch of slaw made from shredded cabbage I dressed, fresh salsa (thanks, Mere!), and avocado slices on it.

THAT’S it, folks!  Nothing more!  And I am surviving!  I did 3 classes last night.  Never did I think that would be enough food to fuel me for boot camp, Pilates, and CX30.  But it was!

I am adjusting to this new way of living. You really can do anything you put your mind to!  We kicked some booty in my boot camp yesterday.  I am including my own booty in there.  I kept telling the class to keep pushing, to not give up, to draw from the strength that drives them….and we did it together!  Maybe that is why I like teaching?  I get to push people to do more.  The very thing I am doing to myself.  It helps to hear yourself preach what you are trying to practice.

Pressing on for health!