Another update.

8 Jun

For the past month, I have slowly been feeling better.  I would say some days I was as good as 75% back to normal!  So last week, we started taking me off Prednisone.

When people ask, “How are you?” I could finally say. “Better!”

Until this week……

I am back to the old routine of couch, do stuff for the kids, couch, teach classes, couch, bed.  I do what has to be done.  But I cry a LOT.  I hurt a lot.  By the end of the day I sometimes can’t kiss the kids goodnight b/c it hurts too bad to go back down the stairs.  So I scoot on my butt (pretty thought, no?!) to the bottom or have Lucky kiss them for me.  I am nauseated a lot.  And just have zero energy.  Oh, and piles all over my house.

I am very sad.  I will be honest.  I LONG for life to go back to a few years ago.  I LONG for the days when Sadie didn’t have cancer.  Life seemed so easy and carefree.  I could go where I wanted and do what I wanted and feel more in control of things.  I wasn’t more in control, but I had the perception that I was.

God has always been in control.  He still is.  This is teaching me that I just need to acknowledge that and be okay with that, even if I don’t like the current path.  My path is eventually going to lead me to heaven.  Not because I am good enough.  Because I am not.  I can’t attend church enough.  I can’t even read my Bible and pray enough.  None of that.  I can’t do anything for that reward.  God’s grace ALONE allows me to have comfort on this journey.  Allows peace in my heart.  And will one day allow me to live eternally in heaven with a NEW BODY!!!! I can’t wait for that part 🙂

This is all good news for me because at the moment, I can’t even talk to God.  I am just not there.  I can cry and ask him why Sadie has to have cancer.  I can cry and ask him why I can’t take my kids to the park and the pool anymore.  I can cry and ask him why a precious, dear family we know is hurting so much.  But sitting and being in his presence is just not happening.  Smiling and thanking Him for all of His goodness….it is not either.  I DO remember and KNOW that ALL good things come from Him.  I just don’t quite feel it.

Thankfully, his son took the punishment for my sin.  One died for all to live.  And each and every day he provides for me.  Friends bumping in to me at the store just when I am about to breakdown.  My parents calling and asking to take the kids just when I can’t move another muscle.  Friends dropping off random notes of encouragement or gift cards.  Literally, JUST when I need it the most.  See, the comfort I am receiving is not just in my heart.  It is not just some silly Christian believing in a “higher power” and therefore making up “comfort” that is all in my head.  No, I get that peace in my heart, too.  But I also get these amazing people who listen to the nudges in their hearts to reach out to me.  God actually comforts me though them.

And there you have it.  My rambling for the day.  And my prayer.  I pray for most every one of you. It may not be a formal, “Dear God……” but I remember you in my heart and ask for Him to be there for you.  And by the way, if you don’t know this, you are forgiven, too.  God loves YOU as much as me and everyone else He created.  You haven’t screwed up too much for Him.  You also are not good enough for Him.  Kinda nice, right?  Takes the pressure off.  Just ask Him to help you understand.  He will.

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