I am not as nice as I once was.

21 Oct

Have you noticed that?  I am really not.  I am not sure if it is good or bad.  But when people complain, I react differently from how I used to.

On one hand, I am WAY more compassionate when it is something truly hard.  I hurt more for people.  I want to take away their bad days or their medical problems or their loss of a loved one.  I ache for them.  I hurt when they have family problems or difficulties with their kids. Or even little issues that just bog them down.

HOWEVER….

people who find the negative in anything and everything- I don’t have the energy for that anymore.  I don’t really care any more.  I think people are ridiculous when they can take a true blessing and find something bad.  Or “hard.”  It is AMAZING what people can complain about.

One thing I have learned- there is positive in EVERYTHING.  Well, except the death of a loved one or a terminal illness.  I won’t go there.  While there may be some positive, I have not been there and won’t even pretend I can find the silver lining.

But it is the rest of life that we really get to decide about.

I am a true Pollyanna now.  I used to get really annoyed by those people.  But now, I am one of them!  I keep most of my thoughts to myself.  I don’t want to annoy y’all.  But am learning it is okay to point out the good sometimes.  When done to the right person in the right way.  I don’t want to be a yes man anymore and help people think that their “big” crap is really the end of the world.  It isn’t. See, I am not as nice!

I love having Lupus.  I know that sounds weird, but I love life more.  I love my family and friends more.  I love watching the kids ride bikes more.  And camping more.  And the ability to move my body and exercise.  And to sleep at night (thank you, Ambien!).  And all of the little things I took for granted.

Don’t get me wrong.  I get very depressed.  Really.  Clinically.  It is not easy feeling bad all of the time.  I let people down, I have to sit out of a lot of life, I am not as good of a wife or mom, I cry a lot, etc…  And I spend my days nauseated, tired, hurting.

But I LOVE what it has done to my gratitude.  And I would not change it for anything.  Thanks, God, for teaching me through hard times.

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