Today, I….

7 Sep

-called the doc to tell him my fevers were back.

-was told to see my primary care doc b/c they could not help me.

-cried on the phone with the nurse explaining that the primary care people send me to specialists b/c they can’t help me and the specialist send me back to them.  This leaves me spending a lot of money and not getting help.

-was squeezed in to be seen by a nice nurse practitioner.

-cried every time I tried to talk to that nice nurse practitioner.  I explained how I have been feeling and what my symptoms are.  She asked if I was depressed, was getting enough sleep, etc…  I told her that I have dealt with depression and no, this is not depression.  I do not sleep well, but I do stay in bed and sleep.  I take Vit D ( I am deficient) and my Plaquenil and everything else they have asked me to.

-had my rheumatologist walk in abruptly and lecture me.  He lectured me on just about everything the nurse talked nicely to me about.  When I asked him if I could get help with the fevers, he responded by telling me he did not believe I was having them because I have not had a temp either of the TWO times I had been in their office.  No mind given to the fact that they come and go ALL DAY LONG. At any given point, I may or may not have them.  They will come for a number of hours, and then go away for a few.  A thermometer does not lie.  I can’t make it go up on it’s own.  And I know what burning eyes, an achy body, and a general feverish feeling is.  IT IS WHAT BROUGHT ME IN TO THE DOCTOR IN THE FIRST PLACE FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS. IF I HAD NOT KEPT PURSUING THOSE FEVERS, I WOULD NOT HAVE FOUND MY AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE.  YOU CAN’T JUST DISMISS THOSE NOW.  Ahem.

-had that same rude man get up and walk out of our conversation.  I was sitting there quietly crying while listening.  He first very sarcastically tells me I need to go to the Mayo Clinic if I want someone to thoroughly find out what is wrong with me.  Then he gets up mid conversation and leaves.  Just like that.  No explanation.  Walks right out.  I had not been rude to him, I was just quietly crying.

(may I pause right here and say: God bless his poor wife.  I can only imagine if this is how he always deals with crying women, what his wife feels like.  One would think that being in rheumatology- a specialty which is heavily populated with women- which deals with many crazy autoimmune diseases that take on many forms and leaves MANY people feeling even much worse than I do- that he would deal with a few tears DAILY.)

-cried the entire time I had 6 viles of blood taken, a urine sample taken, and paid my copay.

-had the nurse practitioner apologize for his behavior and guess that it could be that he does not have an explanation for me and rather than dealing with it well, he took it out on me.  She also explained that while he said that to me sarcastically, he actually really did mean it that he would give me a referral to the Mayo Clinic. 

-have spent the rest of the afternoon convincing myself that I really am just making this all up.  The weight, well I must just be lazy.  The hair loss….who knows.  The fevers, I can’t answer that one.  The fatigue, I am just lazy, once again.  The confusion, must just be that I “think” I have an illness so I am playing tricks on my mind.

-really want to hide in a hole.

-had a friend bring me a meal 🙂  Without even knowing what this day would bring, God took care of me through a special gal, Chrissy Payne.  Chrissy, thank you.  You have taken a really bad day and reminded me that I have not been forgotten. 

-am ready to go to bed and start a new day tomorrow. 

(I promise…my posts will not always be so down.  I just know that I have been told y’all REALLY want to know how I am doing.  So here you go.  Don’t give up on me.  I may have given up on myself for the moment, but I will be back.)


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